As parents, we know we have more knowledge, better judgment, and more life experience than our kids. In a perfect world, we would impart our wisdom to our children, who would eagerly lap it up. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the world of teenagers is far from perfect. When thinking about how to live in the real world with teens, I’m reminded of what Aaron Burr advised Hamilton, “talk less, listen more.” Sounds simple, right? But when you see your child making questionable decisions, following this guidance can be a real challenge. Unlike a duel at sunrise, though, this is a challenge worth taking, because the outcome can be a win-win.
So, how do you achieve this goal and still get your point across? The secret is in a tool called “motivational interviewing.” Put simply, asking your teen the right questions, the ones that cause them to think for themselves, can teach your teen how to think for themselves and find their own better answers.
The key to this approach is learning how to ask open-ended questions that help your teen evaluate their own decisions. Instead of saying, “you know weed can damage your brain,” try “Tell me about your experience with weed.” Listen, acknowledge that you’ve heard the positives they have described. This does not mean you have to agree with their point of view on the positives, but by acknowledging their belief, you increase connection and trust. Then you can ask a follow-up question, such as “Have you or your friends experienced any negative effects?” Or “Are there any potential negative effects that you have any concerns about?” That could lead to yet another question, such as “Do you have any ideas about how you might avoid (insert potential negative effect)?” If your teen is open to it, you might add, “how do you think it would feel if you stopped smoking weed? Do you see any positives to that?”
If you approach difficult subjects with an open and listening mindset, you show your teen that you genuinely value their thoughts, which builds their trust. You also gain real insight into the “why” behind your teen’s decisions. And you help them learn to think critically about their decision-making process. Often, just asking the right questions can open your teen’s mind enough for them to start considering a different course of action. You might not get immediate satisfaction from them, but you have planted seeds that will continue to bear fruit later.
Learning how to use motivational interviewing definitely takes some practice. A good place to start is on less thorny matters. For example, try replacing your typical afternoon “how was school today” query with something more open-ended. If you are struggling for the right question, some good ones include “tell me about…”, “what are your thoughts on…”, or “what has your experience been with…” Starting with “I’m curious and would really love to hear about…” is always good.
To be fair, sometimes asking questions alone on difficult subjects is not quite enough, and you will still want to speak your mind. In that case, there are some tips for more effective ways to do that as well, but that is a subject for another day. For the moment, just know that the more you practice asking questions, really listening to the answers, and acknowledging what you hear, the more likely you will be heard when you need to speak.
For more in-depth information and practice opportunities on communication and other critical parenting skills, check out our upcoming parenting retreat, to be held October 9-11 in Park City, at Trailheadparentsupport.org. Trailhead is a nonprofit organization offering retreats led by parenting coach Carey Pickus and therapist Bryan Lepinske.